me and my paranoid tumor

It all started with my tight jeans. Well, I guess it really starts with my weight gain. 

I lost 45 pounds on the World Race. There were many factors in this tremendous loss of fat and muscle. Chips (any type) were difficult to find and that was my favorite food in the states.

There was also a completely different diet each month. One month it was the same 4 meals: toast & hard boiled eggs, some form of meat dish, butter noodles, and pork with potatoes. That was all we ate for an entire month. 

Each country had a different form of physical exertion as well. One month we had to walk 30 minutes away just to use a shower. There were also those times where I chose not to eat a certain meal because it would never stay down. #OilAndMeat

When I came home food was the most beautiful thing. My first 2 meals in America were both Chipotle (No, I don’t have a fear of E. coli and neither should you). When I got to my house I realized that I wasn’t ready to enter America yet. I spent an entire week in my bedroom. With all of the food that I missed. And I kept up a junk food diet ever since. 

It shouldn’t be a surprise that I gained all of my weight back and then some more. I weigh 195 pounds right now. This is the most I’ve ever weighed in my almost 23 years of life. Of course I had my short time of feeling self-conscious with my cute little belly and my no neck.

But I decided to accept that I did something really unhealthy and I need to live with it.

Yes, that’s correct. I accepted my fat instead of working it off.

Now let us discuss my tight jeans. 

I love jeans. Especially skinny jeans. I like wearing them everyday of the week. As well as wearing them even when I’m relaxing. My ideal outfit is a long tee, slip on shoes, and skinny jeans. 

And I know that you have to be careful when wearing skinny jeans. No lunging, doing the splits, jumping, or any other way in which you stretch them. Because then holes form in your jeans where you don’t want holes. 

And when you’re heavier you have more trouble maneuvering in your skinny jeans. Smaller steps, don’t lift your leg too high, and it’s also harder to put them on. Holes formed because I didn’t adjust these rules since I’ve gained weight. I’ve had to buy 4 new pairs of jeans this year because I’m too lazy to just cardio the fat off of me. And because I’m too proud to wear anything but skinnies. 

Below is a video of how to approach obstacles in skinny jeans.  

So now it’s time to tell you about my tumor. Well it’s actually undiagnosed since I haven’t gone to the doctor. I don’t really know what it is. And yes, I will go to the doctor.

But I discovered a lump on pelvis. Just below my waistline. I follow the rules that the doctor tells me to do. Which is to check yourself for lumps regularly. When I felt it I thought it was just an oddly placed zit. 

I completely forgot about it until I wore my skinny jeans for 12 hours. 

It is incredibly uncomfortable to wear my skinny jeans for longer than 6 hours in my new weight. But there was so much going on that I was unable to change. That night I went out for a reunion dinner with some of my old squadmates. And during my dinner I begin to feel pain where that ‘zit’ was.

Throughout the dinner I ignored it. And when I got home I took my pants off to check my ‘zit’. The lump was now bigger and visible. I have to begin to actually take the health of my body seriously.

Now I’m going to tell you a story that will be relevant later. It will definitely sound random now.

There was an email sent the following day from the Short Term Missions department. They were looking for a few more people to help lead a New Orleans trip for a week all expenses paid.

I of course put my name down right away and had a meeting with the head of STM to talk about the trip. The only thing I needed to get done to make it final was to email my supervisors and inform them about the amount of days I would be missing.

But my lump was reminding me that it was still there. 

Something that you should know is that I’ve been going through a lot of self-discovery since moving to Georgia. As soon as I learn of one bad habit about myself the Lord sheds light on 5 more habits that I need to fix. And one of the worst habits that I’ve discovered about myself is that I’d rather care for others than myself.

I believe that my needs mean nothing to others wants.

This affects my emotions, community, physical health, finances, and even my spiritual life. I would much rather focus on other peoples problems so I didn’t have to deal with my own. This unhealthy habit of mine is completely evident in this story. I’m trying to jump on a bus to help others in New Orleans while pretending that I’m not wearing skinny jeans with a zit/tumor/lump.

They’re going to rip. I’ll be in a worse position trying to sew them up in the middle of a room of people who are looking up to me. In other words, I need to start dealing with all of my problems. I am physically unhealthy, in the middle of an intense leadership class, and there is so much more time to be a missionary somewhere else after this program.

So for now you will find me here in Georgia. Staying home. Not because I’m being unsocial but because I have books to finish and relationships in my house to sustain me. And my weight gain? Don’t be surprised if you see me doing odd movements. It’s exercise. As for my “tumor,” I’m thankful for it. 

It’s a reminder to go to the doctor and ask them what’s wrong instead of trying to figure it out myself.