God is killing me.

I have never felt abandonment like I do in this moment. 

Which is funny because I traveled across the world with just my backpack. It just goes to show that God is the creator of irony. The amount of things being taken away from me are up to the ridiculous level. 

It all started the Monday after I returned to Georgia. I left early to go get a biscuit (egg and extra bacon) at my favorite biscuit place (it’s an ongoing trend in the South). And an hour later I realized that my wallet went missing. My Oregon drivers license, debit card, $35 in cash, $25 Pizza Hut gift card, $142 H&M gift card (this one hit home), and the brand new wallet itself. 

The basic first-world tools have all gone missing. 

I understood that I needed to rely on others for a while. It was going to take 2 weeks to get my debit card back and the DMV is still taking their time approving my replacement license from Oregon. And then while I was on the toilet (I don’t know why I have to share that information. I just do.) I dropped my phone on the floor and the screen cracked. 

And Snow White was no longer flawless. 

The blemished princess is still working. Though the same cannot be said about Anakin. As most of you know, my computer (Anakin) has been battling life & death for a while now. I’ve been reviving it constantly for the last 2 years but last week it finally died. Add that to my list of basics lost. This morning I needed to move my car to the AIM office but it wouldn’t even start. Gretta (tough Volkswagen deserves a tough German name) has gone through a lot so I can’t say I’m surprised at that one. 

I, however, am surprised at my CGA finances. I still owe $1,800 for last semester and I have no new monthly donors. Which is just crazy because this program IS the Kingdom. I’m training to be an effective missionary through discipleship and community. Plus, I’m learning how to mentor missionaries on the field through my apprenticeship. 

And yet I have missed every financial deadline. 

So here I am. Unable to even get a second job because I don’t have a car, ID, or license. Most would think that this constitutes the immediate termination of my dream. But achieving your dreams is the ugliest thing you can ever do. It takes sacrifice, openness to growth, adaptation, failures, postponement, and the inevitability that you can never do enough. If I hadn’t heard Papa tell me continually that I was supposed to stay with AIM then I would have packed my bags long ago. 

So this is to trusting in Papa! Let Him take away all of my most prized possessions in order for me to reach my dreams. It’s already so worth it.