7 Months Without God
This blog is a different one. Where I type what my thoughts are saying. I’m telling you now, that this blog is going to be all over the place. It will also have grammer and spelling errors. Just FYI.
Picture me writing this blog right now. I flipped one of the living room chairs around to view the overcast beauty of our little peninsula on the lake. I have a blanket folded neatly on my lap. I also pulled the coffee table all the way over to me so I can sip my coffee constantly. I really want you to picture what is happening to understand more of who I am.
I am also writing this blog on Easter Sunday morning. A few of you might be wondering why I’m not going to church right now. To be honest, I’m not going because I want to have a family to go with. Oh, the struggles of forgetting about family traditions.
I’ve been praying about this holiday (and all holidays) and what the Lord wants me to do for it. Because I never do anything with others because I’ve been so used to being alone. This isn’t a pitiful statement, but more of a fact of my life.
During my time of prayer this morning, Papa asked me to reflect on the difficulties of my time on the Race. As well as think over my 7 months of re-entry, from May to December of 2015. I of course went and picked up my journal from the World Race.
I wrote things in here when I was at my lowest points. I wrote down what I was absolutely furious about, but also how it was going to be redeemed. While reading through it, I saw the themes in when I was struggling most.
When I wasn’t focused on God’s redemption, I didn’t write anything down.
The thing I really want to share with you is the difference between my last two entries. My second to last one, labeled May 23rd, had the title but it had no content. It was as though I was forcing myself to sit down and write – but I didn’t really want to.
Because after the Race, I didn’t want God.
I was so passively-furious with the Lord about what he put me through across the world. What was the point with me leaving America? Why did I have to suffer? When was this going to end? It wasn’t until I began absorbing the truths of what others said about me that I began to talk to the Lord again.
And boy did we talk. He told me how much he loves me despite my abandonment of him. He told me that I am a unique leader among his sons and daughters. He told me how beautiful of a man I am.
But the biggest thing he told me is that I make my family everywhere I go.
With my mom, sister, niece, nephew, and step-dad.
With Curtis and Cami.
With the Waite’s, the Bate’s, and the Leach’s.
With Alex, Onasis, Nora, Jose, and Uriel.
With Jordan and John Maggiora.
With John David, Stefan, Lizzy, and Luke.
With Kevin, John, Johnfrank, Dillon, Stephen, and Joshua.
With Ronny, Nick, and Paul.
With Chris and Katherine.
With Bekah, Sheila, Arden, Mikala, LeAnn, April, and Anna.
With the beautiful Zendejas family.
With Ru-Ah, Tour De Stad, and Joseph’s Crown.
With Matt Shaw.
With Joe freaking Stickle.
With Aimee, Evan, and Logan.
I’ve learned that tradition doesn’t bode with me. I’ve attempted to cultivate tradition for my entire life and I need to let it go. I’m now embracing the nontraditional; beginning with every new family member that I adopt.
Lastly, here’s my last journal entry. Dated Sunday, December 27, 2015 at midnight in Dyer, Nevada. This entry shows how much I grew out of a victim’s mentality and into full redemption.
“Dear Papa,
It’s been 7 months. Since I came home. Since I fell into constant temptation. Since I avoided talking to you. I’ve been living off of others. Sucking each of their emotions dry. God I’ve failed so many times. Lust, stewardship, dedication. I need to listen. I need to hear you. I’ve played myself as the victim and I didn’t even realize it. Until Piva spoke up. I’m sorry. Because I am not a victim. I was not used. I was not the Peter Pettigrew. I was the sacrificial lamb. I took the pain of E SQUAD. And I am proud of it! Because I am not hurt. I am in You.
Love,
Hunter”
